Brilliant!

"Brilliant", that is one of my favourite words in the english language. I use it often in Swedish too, "strålande". It is a pretty word that has a very positive breath, with a feeling of something being beutiful, clear, magnificent and generally very good. Today, or to be more exact; now, I have just that. A brilliant feeling.

Today I sat in class for the second day (out of two weeks). The classes were in general on a low level, and quite slow, but had these small particles of extremely interesting and/or useful information. What I did was to read 3 papers and 7 abstracts, while listening to the lectures, and as soon as the talk got interesting I somehow processed this, and moved my focus from the paper to the lecturer. When the piece of gold had been delivered, I automatically could switch of the conscious presence in the lecture (although still processing the information somehow, ready to listen when something interesting came along), and continue reading about some of the latest findings in neuroscience. This is something I have more or less always been able to do most of the time, but while beeing ill my stress tolerance and ability to focus in general has been reduced, and at times even disabled. To be able to work 53 hours again one week without getting more than sleepy (not absolutely fatigued, borderline unconscious and generally not present in the present), and also being able to switch full focus between two things (even just for a shorter while, like 2 hours or so!) makes me so happy. This is not something I strive to do all the time, parallell processing, because it is very demanding, but the fact that I am able to do it when "necessary" makes me so happy. I am back. The old me is returning! Not that I want to continue all that my old me did, since much of it was sometimes destructive (like over-working etc.). But it gives me hope! I really think that I soon can be officially "well" again. Really soon. Even sooner than I thought even a month ago! The recovery has been exponential the last month, I just can't believe it.

And no, I won't continue my 53-hour weeks. That is part of what brought on my depression in the first place, I believe. So don't you worry. I am smarter now.

Or... at least I hope so.