I hate my job today!

Last week my previous project ended. The manuscript was submitted, and the planning of the next project started. We had a meeting last week, to decide between two different ideas. We all agreed on one of the ideas in the end, and went off to heavy individual planning. I read a couple of papers, and wrote a protocol about how to analyse some stuff. Today I spent 3 hours setting up the surgery room for tomorrow, filling out forms, printing stuff, gathering tools I needed etc.

All to be handed a paper an hour before I was to go home. The new protocol. That aparently some of the seniors had decided on was what we should do. It was not the one idea we had decided on, it wasn't even the second idea that we decided not to go for during that meeting last week. It was something completely different. And this I just "find out" the day before my surgeries are about to start. I feel so insulted, so fooled, so useless, and so not part of anything. Just fucking omitted.

It sounds so nice, and looks so nice on the stupid surface. "Oh, all students are allowed to be part of planning and decisionmaking, bla bla blurt blurt blurt". ("Yes, but then we just throw that in the bin, and decide on our own anyway, and just let them know what has been decided for them"). I hate my job! I hate when stuff are just decided for me (especially when the outgoing message still is that I am so much part of everything). Bullshit, fucking bullshit!

I have been crying most of the afternoon, but now I am mostly mad. So MAD! I need to talk to my supervisor, but I need to calm down first. I feel like such a fool. So useless. It is so obvious what part of my work environment I have a problem with, and why I again am in serious doubt if this is really something I should continue with.

I love science. I love to think about science. I love to find answers to questions I put. But I hate the environment it is done in. Can I cope with the environment, in order to do the stuff I like? Or is it just better to do something different.