Behavioural alterations

Many people go through more or less complete personality-changes as their glucose levels drop, or when they are stressed, or when they are tired. Although trying my very hardest to control my temper and patience, and although I consider myself a calm and relaxed person (normally), when tired and sometimes also when stressed, I can't quite manage to keep myself toghether. Today was my last day of lectures on my compulsory PhD course. I was so tired, and the classes were so slow. At 1.15 pm I had had enough, and felt I had to leave, which I did. Exhausted, tired, and somewhat disappointed in myself for not having stayed the whole afternoon (until 4), I went to the lab to pick up my things. I heard someone shouting 'Sara!' when I passed the door to the lab area, the lab assistant wanting to ask me something. I felt in no mood or shape to talk to anyone, or help anyone with anything, and couldn't restrain an annoyed grunt, which she definitely heard, since apparently she had started running after me (which I hadn't noticed, since I hadn't turned back towards the door yet). She didn't show any response to my grunt, but I felt so bad for it. I didn't mean to make her feel annoying or as she was disturbing me. I helped her answering the question she had, but still I felt so terrible.

This topping off having listened to one post doc-candidate, wanting to start working at our lab, presenting his work at a lunch seminar just ½ hour earlier. He was uninspiring, seemed very insecure, and unable to satisfyingly answer questions raised by the audience during/after the presentation. Afterwards I talked to a colleague, who rose the issue that we don't welcome our post-doc candidates properly, and how annoyed he and another colleague was that we still don't have a proper web-page, how we should have a welcome committee when a new person is invited to the lab etc. And I just felt so tired. I love my work. Or I like it at least. But it is too much 'blah' surrounding everything; random applications, unnecessary paperwork, confusing organization, and a general feeling of dizziness and unstability.

I left to go home, but first I needed to pick up some stuff (buttons for my cardigan, pretty colourful cups I had seen a few days ago, some stuff for the cat, etc.). So I walked around town (my bike is broken), tired, longing for arriving home, so I hurried. Relieved to come home and having another 1.5h until my friend would come and I had to be nice again, I went to the basement to pick up my laundry. Then the neighbours boy came down, talking and being cute and happy. And I just felt boring and tired. He asked if he could come in, and I just couldn't say no. So I hung out with him, all the time feeling how I wanted him to be quiet, calm down and go home. And just felt worse. Then my friend showed up, and he went home.

We had a good time, just relaxing hanging out, but all the time I couldn't help feeling bad. Feeling how I had snapped at my lab assistant, how I like my work but hate everything around it, and how I just wanted to sleep and lower the pressure on myself again. Relaaaaaaax!

Now I am on my sofa. Alone, apart from cute cat next to me purring. This might do the trick actually.