The art of enjoying a weekend

There must be some art to not work more than 5 hours during one week, without feeling totally guilty about it. An art that I yet don't know about. I am aware of why I haven't worked more, and why it has not been reasonable for me to go in to work. But still, now in retrospect I doubt myself so much. I think, but was I really that ill, was I really that tired, couldn't I just have tried a little harder, and focused a little bit more? I know the answers to those questions are: yes, yes, no, and no. But still I feel so guilty. I want to do so good at work, feel useful, and good about myself.

I have had so many feelings this week. I have been very stressed and anxious, tired, in my own little bubble, unable to focus or concentrate for adequately long periods etc. The bubble thing is so hard to cope with. It feels like that you are enclosed in something transparent, it is hard to perceive what other people say or do, since you are very focused on yourself. People seem to talk a bit too rapidly, use too complicated words, and not give you long enough pause to answer their first question before they ask you the next. You just can't keep up with conversations. You can feel a creeping sensation in your body that something bad is about to happen, that you just have to get out of wherever you are, and just be alone and have no-one talk to you. It is sometimes like walking in glue, or being held back by something really hard to push through. You try and try, get angry and frustrated, and try a bit harder. Until you are so tired you can't cope anymore and there is nothing else to do than sleep. It has been quite some time since I had this sensation last time, and when it happened this week it scared me, now fearing that I am turning worse again. Obviously, this is not likely to be the case. More likely is that this week, and parts of last week have been a bad patch, and surely I will feel better soon, and be back-on-track.

If I could just shake that annoying sensation of guilt, how is that going to do me any good? What would my therapists advice me? Well, to break down events in small pieces and see that none of my feelings are motivated, and then to focus ahead on what I can do better next week. And not to be so hard on myself. A bath and cuddling with cute cat will be my first step. How lucky I am to have such a cute cat, and such warm tap water! I think this will be a great weekend after all. I hope you will have one too!