Mobilization

For the last couple of days I have tried to mobilize strength. I have had a lack of mood and lust. Not wanting to do anything, not being able to be bothered by anything. I have forced myself to do things anyway, otherwise I am afraid I am preventing my convalescence. Forcing yourself into getting up in the morning, putting on your clothes, making breakfast, brushing teeth, biking to work, entering the workplace, participating in the work, focus on the assignment, eating something for lunch, going home, work out, making supper, eating supper, meeting friends, being social etc., is very exhausting. Sometimes if I think about the whole day ahead of me already during the morning, I feel overwhelmed and scared that I won't be able to make it. Either I then try to shake the feeling off, deny having it, or enter some sleepy paralyzed state; just staying home, in bed, not doing anything at all.

Yesterday I forced myself to a class of step. I felt it was about time that I exercised, and that things might feel easier and better afterwards (they sometimes do). I had already forced myself to several things that day, and was quite exhausted to start with. But none the less, I was persistent. Forcing myself to go to the gym, forcing myself to change into my workout clothes, forcing myself to enter the step room, forcing myself to grab the step board. How something as easy as that can feel so difficult is hard for me to explain. The class started, the moves were easy, the music had a clear beat, and I followed.

My cool cognitive psychologist woman is teaching me to separate feelings/thoughts into individual persons within; the child, the adult, and the parent. It is not as 'new age' or 'multiple personality' as it might sound, it is just an exercise. During the step class the dialogue within me was between the child, adult and the parent as follows:

Adult: "I know how to do this"
Parent: "come on, make an effort"
Adult: "I am good"
Child: "I am tired, I want to lie down"
Parent: "it is not a matter of being good, this is easy, and you should be able to do this without making such a hassle about it, it is not a big deal, just do it!"
Child: "I am just not so sure I can do it, I fear all will go wrong"
Parent: "stop being such a sissy, just get on with it, move your feet"
Child: "who am I fooling, I suck, I can't even do this, I think even this is hard, I can't do anything, I feel sorry for myself being this ill"
Parent: "you shouldn't feel sorry for yourself - it is frowned upon, you don't want to be this embittered person, nobody wants an embittered person around, come on, try harder, just move your feet"
Child: "I can't do it, I want to sleep, I feel I can just lay down on the floor right here and cry, I am so exhasted and tired"
Parent: "NO, come on, focus, this is easy!"
Child: "but this is so hard, and I feel so weak"
Parent: "you are weak if you can't do this, come on!, try harder"

Then I put my step board back and left. I sat down outside and slowly ate my clementine. I thought about how to improve the situation, or at least do anything at all about it. When having finished the fruit I went into the workout/strength building room and ran on the treadmill, walked the stair-machine, biked, and lifted some weights. It still felt like a failure when I left, but then I forced myself to think about it, I realised it wasn't a failure. I had worked out for more than an hour, and that is good enough.

I think the point of the child-adult-parent exercise is to separate all the thoughts you have in your head, to be able to sort them, and give room to all different feelings and thoughts. As it is now I don't allow my weaker child-thoughts/feelings any space at all, the parent-thoughts/feelings keep on overriding them the instant they form. Maybe this is something I can work on, letting myself be weak, and to be ok with it. Maybe then I will feel better. Who knows. My other therapist, the psychiatrist, he gave me a perscription for a new medicine. They both have different ways to approach a problem. The hope is that this should increase my chances of recovering completely. I hope there is any truth to this.