Over my heels

It is so weird. Life, the universe and everything.

Suddenly things just happen. Things, you by no means expected or even dared hope for, just occur. You stand there puzzled and confused. Where, why, what? And it sneaks up on you, that sensation of being in love. When you last lost it, you told yourself never to get involved with that awful feeling again. But somehow that sensation seeks you out, it tells you that it wants to be part of you again. You try to avoid it, remembering the devastation last time. But with time, you devastation grow distant and less important. And suddenly, out of nowhere, you start to suspect that you feel ready to find a special someone to share things with.

That happened to me during the summer. I still wasn't sure that I was ready for a relationship, not even sure I was ready to meet anyone at all. Meeting someone you don't know, that is horrible. Or at least, it has a potential to be, and I wasn't sure I was ready for that factor of stress just yet. But I thought, what the hell, I'll put an add on a swedish meeting site (www.motesplatsen.se). It is not likely that I will find someone even interesting to e-mail back and forth to, lest that I would like to meet up with.

I got a few e-mails from people that seemed really weird. One guy described his genitals in his first message to me, and promised me that I would not be disappointed. I wrote him quite a sarcastic message back, but he missed to get the message, and seemed led on by it. So I made my complete uninterest clear in the next one. Not even that guy could now avoid understanding. There were another few with the same general interest, and another few that seemed quite boring and didn't even wake my otherwise very keen interest in writing. Then I met a nice guy from a city nearby. He was very interested in taking pictures, and had recently bought the same camera as I had. We talked about photograpy like crazy, sent pictures back and forth, and had a blast. There was a nice photo exhibit in his city, and it felt like a nice opportunity to meet up for a real chat. I was under the impression that our interest in eachother were photographical, but I now realise that was naïve. We had a good time together that afternoon, I chatted like crazy, but he seemed very shy and nervous. I should have realised. When I went to catch my train we said that we should meet up again, but we never did. Because the day after I realised he was interested in me, not my opinions/insights/interest in photograpy. And I could never even consider him in that way. He was my photography-friend. He got sad, and never wanted to see me again. Fair enough.

I also wrote e-mails back and forth with another guy at this time. Flirting a bit. He seemed very nice, and looked cute on his pictures, and I felt quite intrigued by him. I decided that I had the nerves to meet up with him. Before going I was quite worried. I had a very strong urge to make out, and I didn't want this to affect my meeting with this guy. If I would get creepy vibes I wanted to be perceptive for this, and leave. Not confused with my general urge to make out. But my worrying was uncalled for. He turned out to actually be really cute, really nice and considerate. We had a great time, chatting, making strange drinks, hanging out. I wondered if he felt the same, but ignored the thought. He started a sentence, then looked confused and said "what was I going to say...?". I chatted on saying that I could not know this, and bla bla bla. He looked at me, kind of leaning in towards me, and I realised then that he wanted to kiss me. So we did. And we have continued doing it since. He is a terrific person. He makes me laugh, makes me happy, makes me relaxed and comfortable, makes me feel special. What are the odds really? I am so bloody in love with him now. The first few weeks my cynical side expected to find out something awful about him, cause you can't be that great, that he had murdered his family or something. But I have now met some people, claiming to be his family, seeming very alive and lovely. Damned. So I guess I am in love now then, and nothing to stop me, apparently.