Pushing it

Sometimes, when I don't feel like doing anything, I choose to push myself into doing them anyway. I guess partly because I am frustrated by the feeling of not wanting to do anything, and also because I sometimes am able to evoke the feeling of wanting to do the thing, while I am doing it.

This morning I woke up a few minutes before my alarm went off. In the safety of my own apartment, in the arms of a man with whom I share a feeling of mutual infatuation. We had breakfast, and went off to work. And I started counting cells. Up until here, it was a very good morning. Then I saw that I had lost my booking for the microscope on wednesday, meaning I had better finish my counting by tomorrow. This felt a bit stressful, since it meant I had to count twice as much in one day compared to what I had managed to do previously. But I thought, it is possible! I felt I good do it if I pushed myself. I could feel the fatigue sneaking up on me, but I ignored it. I thought about how my week would proceed.

Today: after work I am to meet a friend, Nilla. It made me fear that the feeling of tiredness would consume me by the time I had to see her, but I decided I didn't want to cancel. I want to be social, I want to work.

Tuesday: I need to work as much as I did today, which might not be possible, I might be more tired tomorrow morning than I was this morning. Meaning I might start off with a greater feeling of fatigue tomorrow morning when it is the day after I worked really hard, and met a friend, than the feeling I had this morning when I had spent a whole weekend relaxing. Tomorrow I am also to see another friend, Effie, after work so I can't be tired then either.

Wednesday: I will do statistics on the cells I have counted, so I need to work a few hours. In the afternoon I will meet up with my friend Kvack, I haven't hung out with him properly for a very long time. And in the evening I am to meet up with my american colleague, Catilin in Malmo. I can't cancel, I can't be tired.

Thursday: I will meet my psychologist, which reminded me I have to prepare the assignments we agreed upon. Then I can go home and relax for a while, I don't need to be active until late afternoon for my sowing class. After that I hope to have a chance to meet up with the lovely Eeyore (the infatuated man previously mentioned).

Friday: Friday I can be tired *sigh of relief*.

Saturday: Relax, and then party in the evening.

Sunday: Relax, meet my parents.

It just stresses me out when too many things seem to accumulate. Things I feel I want to do (work and sleep), and people I feel I just have to meet (since I haven't met them in due course). I feel I am staggering. When I try to get an overview of the upcoming week, and all I feel I am looking for is some time for me to not do anything, time to sleep, and time to be alone. I feel like a shit friend for having even a remote sensation of 'plight' in the context of meeting up with them. They are great, and fabulously important to me! It is just hard for me to keep pace with the remainder when tiredness is overwhelming. If I can just push myself until friday, everything will be fine. Right? No friend and no work is affected with my slow pace, and I can feel pleased with myself being able to having gotten through another week without a slip. If all appears to be good, then maybe I can convince everyone (including myself) that everything is just fine.