When in doubt...

To me, many things are a mystery. I guess "mystery" is the New Age person's way to explain something he or she does not comprehend, to compare with the scientists "spontaneous", or the religious persons "God". So, to be less evasive; I just don't understand some things. Sometimes it is things about other people, but most of the time I don't understand myself or my own reactions.

Today I was sitting listening to my brilliant colleagues scientific presentation of her entire work during the past 3 years, followed by a very good 30-minute discussion conducted by the opponents' questions. I was very impressed by my colleague, she has done some very nice work, and she did an excellent job putting it forward to the audience, and answering the questions. Sitting there listening to the questions made me very confused. I was so happy I wasn't the one getting the questions, because I felt so many times that I just couldn't have been bothered coming up with an answer to them. As you know, as in many other lines of work I am sure, there are plenty of questions that do not have an answer. During the discussion part, the opponent asking these questions are aware of there not being any answers to the question, but he/she still asks them just to evaluate how well the student can speculate and come up with various more or less well based theories about how it could be. 'Cause let's face it, being a scientist is 5% about knowing, and 95% about being able to formulate the strategy, and using it, trying to find an answer to a very specific question.

But I felt I got really annoyed when these obvious no-answer-questions were put, and as I said, happy that it wasn't me that was expected to come up with an answer. I just couldn't have been bothered. I don't want to prove myself worthy, and knowing how to reason in the "right" way. What worries me is the following: does it mean that I should try to find some other career to pursue, and give up this science-stuff? Is it maybe not the right thing for me? Or is the "boredom" felt when faced with the no-answer-questions just an expression of my lack of interest for things in general? And is this lack of interest due to whatever is left of the depression, or is it just me feeling it, or people feeling this in general? I don't feel like perform well when pressured to do it. When I feel someone is testing me, I lose interest and don't want to continue. I am your typical anti-competitive person, are there others too? I spend quite a lot of time wondering/worrying about if "science" is "my way" to go, or if I should do something different instead. Does this mean that I should stop doing what I am doing (since I doubt my interest), or is it just ordinary doubt and worrying everybody feels at some stage? I like to think about my research (and others') on my own, and I like to perform well at my job when no pressure is put on me, and I do my job well. Does that mean I should continue?

I am in doubt. And when in doubt, blog (the same goes for all other feelings in the spectrum too of course: happiness, anger, grief, lazyness...). I wish Cute Cat was here to comfort me.