Loop issues

One of the problems I rather often encounter is something that I refer to as a 'loop issue'.

For instance. Today I am having a day off from work. I am trying to use it to its fullest. What I need is to relax, sleep, and do something nice maybe. So far, I feel I have done "nothing". And the loop starts. What I mean by "nothing", is of course not really nothing, I have woken up, had breakfast, played with my cat, walked him outside, done the dishes, been sitting on the bed, writing two e-mails, and gotten dressed. So what I falsely and loop-startingly refer to as "nothing" is in fact something, but apparently not good enough for me. To feel I have done something, I need to do something either physically or mentally exhausting. I feel pressure to go work out, which makes it a hell lot more boring to go there. I really don't feel like it. Probably, it'd be fine if I just got to the work-out place, but I really really don't want to. So then I feel lazy for not going there, which makes me sad, and tired. Which makes it even harder to get there, or get around doing anything else as well, and so the loop continues.

Negative spirals. That is what these loop issues are called in cognitive psychology, and it is important to be able to recognize and accept them. As you can see, I am very aware of the spiral I am in right now, i.e. I am starting to master this bloody cognition! And being aware, is a real good start in doing something about it. The second step is to recognize the errors in thought you made to start/maintain this negative spiral. Did you notice the errors? The first one was this "nothing". A very broad generalizing word, not only saying that I have done "nothing" (which obviously was wrong per se), but also helping me to judge myself as being bad for not having done "anything". The second error is my definition of doing "something". It is aiming for some kind of millions of miles-away star, way above "something". To feel I have done "something", I really "should" have worked out really really hard, preferably breaking some kind of record, plus doing something difficult with my brain, like solving a whole really difficult crossword puzzle or thinking out something smart for my project at work. Now, this "something" is making it hard for me to be pleased with the majority of my days, since it allows very very few of my days to qualify as days where I have done "something". It is rather difficult to break a record in sports, and finishing the blueprints for a space rocket the same day, right? Or getting my gold medal in the Olympics at the same day as fixing world peace. It is just not do-able.

So finding some of the errors in a thought process de-dramatizes it, and lets you really see your problem (here: wanting to make a perfect day, to use my spare time at its "fullest"), instead of that you cover your problems with (here: feeling I do nothing, and how I just need to stop being lazy and do "something").

Being aware of these negative spirals that we all have, realizing the mistakes in thought we do to initiate them and keep them going, is a real good basis to break free of a lot of self-destruction, negative thinking and maybe even parts of a depression! Now, isn't that rather cool? To be able to maybe heal yourself partly from a disease like depression, by taking a course in cognitive psychology. What other disease can you fix like that? It is not like you can take a course in orthopedics, expecting to heal your broken leg.

Cognitive psychology rules!

Loop issues

One of the problems I rather often encounter is something that I refer to as a 'loop issue'.

For instance. Today I am having a day off from work. I am trying to use it to its fullest. What I need is to relax, sleep, and do something nice maybe. So far, I feel I have done "nothing". And the loop starts. What I mean by "nothing", is of course not really nothing, I have woken up, had breakfast, played with my cat, walked him outside, done the dishes, been sitting on the bed, writing two e-mails, and gotten dressed. So what I falsely and loop-startingly refer to as "nothing" is in fact something, but apparently not good enough for me. To feel I have done something, I need to do something either physically or mentally exhausting. I feel pressure to go work out, which makes it a hell lot more boring to go there. I really don't feel like it. Probably, it'd be fine if I just got to the work-out place, but I really really don't want to. So then I feel lazy for not going there, which makes me sad, and tired. Which makes it even harder to get there, or get around doing anything else as well, and so the loop continues.

Negative spirals. That is what these loop issues are called in cognitive psychology, and it is important to be able to recognize and accept them. As you can see, I am very aware of the spiral I am in right now, i.e. I am starting to master this bloody cognition! And being aware, is a real good start in doing something about it. The second step is to recognize the errors in thought you made to start/maintain this negative spiral. Did you notice the errors? The first one was this "nothing". A very broad generalizing word, not only saying that I have done "nothing" (which obviously was wrong per se), but also helping me to judge myself as being bad for not having done "anything". The second error is my definition of doing "something". It is aiming for some kind of millions of miles-away star, way above "something". To feel I have done "something", I really "should" have worked out really really hard, preferably breaking some kind of record, plus doing something difficult with my brain, like solving a whole really difficult crossword puzzle or thinking out something smart for my project at work. Now, this "something" is making it hard for me to be pleased with the majority of my days, since it allows very very few of my days to qualify as days where I have done "something". It is rather difficult to break a record in sports, and finishing the blueprints for a space rocket the same day, right? Or getting my gold medal in the Olympics at the same day as fixing world peace. It is just not do-able.

So finding some of the errors in a thought process de-dramatizes it, and lets you really see your problem (here: wanting to make a perfect day, to use my spare time at its "fullest"), instead of that you cover your problems with (here: feeling I do nothing, and how I just need to stop being lazy and do "something").

Being aware of these negative spirals that we all have, realizing the mistakes in thought we do to initiate them and keep them going, is a real good basis to break free of a lot of self-destruction, negative thinking and maybe even parts of a depression! Now, isn't that rather cool? To be able to maybe heal yourself partly from a disease like depression, by taking a course in cognitive psychology. What other disease can you fix like that? It is not like you can take a course in orthopedics, expecting to heal your broken leg.

Cognitive psychology rules!

(C)attack.

As it wasn't hard enough for me anyway to go to bed yesterday, the bigger of my sister's two cats made it hell of a lot more unpleasant.

About two weeks ago my landlady considered it warm enough outside (about 10 degrees Celsius) to significantly reduce the heaters. Some days, like yesterday, when it is a bit windy, it still gets rather cold inside though. Or not cold, but chilly. Especially for me. I like it when it is about 24-25C indoors, but now it is probably closer to 19. It is an acceptable temperature when dressed, but yesterday when I was preparing for bed, naturally I undressed. I went under the cold covers, and both cats came and joined me, eager to share my body heat with me.

Without making the story erotic (hopefully!), I just want you all to reflect over the effect chillyness have on nipples. With that said, the cats both cuddled up close, but I was still quite cold. I lifted the cover to check the progress on the cats finding a nice arrangement for themselves. But before being able to react, the bigger of the cats launched himself at my nipple, biting it really hard. A spontaneous 'aaawhouch' slipped from me, a bit loud I guess, and the cat jumped backwards in a terrified manner, running away. I guess he was a bit alarmed, not being prepared for that little thing he bit would be able to give rise to such an intimidating scream.

Before long he came back again though. Hopefully a bit ashamed about what he had done, and like a Pavlov's cat preferably now fully negatively conditioned never to attack nipples again. My sister should thank me!

Cuddling

I really ought to go to bed. But I just don't feel like it. I am cat-sitting my sister's two very cuddly cats. The small one has situated himself in a ball-like shape in my lap, and the other one is sleeping fast just next to me. They are like two small radiators, or like two small lap tops, keeping me very warm. I am sure they see me in the same way, that I am their big radiator. That is probably the only reason they are sleeping that close to me, to nick some of my heat. The bastards. Cute bastards! And the matter of fact is that they steal very little, rather just conserve the energy output from my body. In a fairly acceptable way, I must say.

I don't want to lie on my bed. All alone. Well, I guess the cats will join me instantly, but still. I am back in my own apartment. I haven't been here alone for almost two months now ('cause I am subletting it to my sister until thursday). I have spent the afternoon cleaning to make myself feel like "home" again. Six hours it took me, hoovering, scrubbing the floors, laundry, and airing dusty fabrics. Six bloody hours. I spent almost one hour just hoovering, one hour! The sofa, the floors, the carpet. The cats were very unenthused by this move of mine. They seem to have very little sympathy for hoovering, especially for the loud noise and large nozzle moving about. I did not see them for most of the time, eventhough my apartment is no more than 50 square meters, 1.5 rooms. I have no idea about where they hid, 'cause I didn't see them. They must have moved around while I was cleaning, behind my back, in a fairly rapid way I imagine. Poor cats. But now the place is spotless. Like a blank canvas, ready for them to make a mess on again, with hairs, sand from the litter box, shredded toys, and shredded things they have chosen to call their toys (like my plants, pieces of paper, mittens, etc.). They are two messy cats. Cute, but messy.

Whenever I try to eat, they are all over the place. Especially the small one. He is like a combination of an annoying summer fly, and a wasp that just realised whatever I am eating is a huge piece of sugar. He is really IN your face, IN your mouth, ON your plate/lap/arms/hands trying to catch something to eat (he has plenty of food in his bowl, but apparently that is just too easy, or not good enough for him). Well, I can't judge him too hard though, I wouldn't want to eat his cat food either...

Aaahouuushsblah! I don't waaaaanna go to bed. Sometimes I hate falling asleep. It gets me really worked up and nervous. Don't ask me why, but I have found several others in my depression group with the same experience. Maybe it is a stupid remnant from my once active depression, or maybe it is just a common human "thing". Who knows? And right now, how would that knowledge help me anyway? Believe me, I am really tired, so I guess there isn't much else for me to do though... Un-fucking-fortunantely.

Dress progress

I am making serious progress. Little by little, I am getting better and better. I think one day I might make all my clothes myself, and not buy anything, nothing! But that day is still far off, I must say, but not so far off as I thought only a week ago. I have finished my very first totally home-made dresses. I have made several dresses before, although not as on my "own" as this one. This one I have sketched myself, drawn on to pattern paper using my own measurements, cut out, sown, re-sown, and re-sown a wee bit more. And now, or rather last week, it is finally totally finished. I am quite proud, although not completely satisfied. Of course, it could have been better. But I accept its flaws, it is still the very first dress I make. I am already in full progress on the second one, and also on a third one (a wedding dress) for my dear colleague. I hope to have improved enough by the time of the finishing touches on the wedding dress, as to let me be completely and utterly satisfied with my work. Please, admire the pictures on me (as soon as I can upload them), in my pretty green home-made dress. The picture was taken at my cousin's wedding this saturday. Nice huh?

(I am the older of the two girls in the picture...)

Control of cognition

Two weeks ago I started a new therapy. Or rather, a (for me) old therapy, in a new form. I have previously been in cognitive psychotherapy (confusing, wait! I'll explain it all), individually. It was me and the cognitive psychologist (psychologist education, direction cognitive psychology). Now, instead, I am doing the same psychological "school", i.e. this cognitive psychotherapy, but as a group therapy.

We are 10 people in this group, lead by two psychiatrists (i.e. medical doctors with direction psychiatry). All participants are aged 18-25, and have/are suffering from some depression illness. The therapy is more like a course, with homework, active participance during classes, and breaks with snacks. I feel more or less cured these days, so I can't say I "need" the course in the acute sense. I have also gone through all these things we talk about in class now several times earlier in my individual therapy. But still, I feel very inspired by the course. It's a good repetition of all I have learnt before, with new examples/exercises to use the things in practice, and also a nice way to meet and get some faces of a few of those many people my own age suffering a similar disease as myself.

I am going to spread the brilliance of the cognitive psychology by writing a little something about the classes. This last time the task was to realise the very intimate interconnection between thought-feeling-action. Of those three (thought, feeling, action), the action is the easiest to manipulate, and by manipulating actions, you can in turn reach thought and feeling and change those, both for better and for worse. Part of depression patterns can sometimes be explained by an involountary (obviously!) negative spiralling event of negative thought, action and feeling. But brilliantly enough, and this is what the school of cognitive psychology is all about, the key to feeling good in general, and also in some cases alleviate states of sadness or depression.

Our homework this week is to make a list of 20 things that we enjoy/make us happy at times, and every day we mark with an X which of those 20 things we have done. On the list should be things that are easy to put into your "everyday" life (so not vacation, travelling or such). It must also be only things that you yourself can control, i.e. not involve others or things you don't have control over (e.g. winning the lottery, playing basketball). So only things that you can do on any day of the week, without involving anyone else.

My list is comprised by the following: draw, read novels, breathe nice clean air, crossword-puzzling, play/be with animals, shower/take a bath, gardening, give gifts, help someone, eat/cook a good meal, go to the opera/museum/theatre, peace&quiet, work-out, be with someone I like, enjoy sex, smile at someone, express my appreciation/love, fiddle with my plants, teach someone something, wear cozy clothes. For the past 5 days since this exercise started I have been able to manage to do 6-10 of these events each day.

As a separate task we also keep track of our general mood each day, on a scale from 0-7, and this we will later try to correlate with the amount of nice activites we have done each day. This to try to make us understand just how important our actions are for our well-being, and that you yourself and really no-one or nothing else controls the way you feel entirely. Of couse other things can affect you, but the ultimately, how you choose (automatically, or preferaby instead consciously) to react/respond to events will determine the outcome it will have on your feelings and well-being. So I guess to make us feel less passive victims of our lives, and that we actually can control our feelings and thoughts more than we might think. The exercise to list these 20 activites we like, obviously also strive to make us more self-aware of our likes and dislikes.

The course is just excellent, and really anyone/everyone would benefit from it, which is why I try to share it with as many as possible. I challenge you all to make a list of 10-20 things you really enjoy, that you are in control of (not too expensive or too dependent on others) and that can fit into your everyday, and try to make as many of them as possible each day for the upcoming 2 weeks. It is lots of fun! What makes you happy on an everyday basis?