Good company

He is lovely. He makes me happy. He makes me smile and laugh. He greets me when I come home, every day. He is cute cat (of course). He is getting sweeter and cuddlier every day since the removal of his masculinity. Today I felt a cold coming, and decided to go home and cough instead of coughing on the microscope at work. I fell asleep instantly on my couch, and after two hours cute cat woke me up by repetitively stepping up and down with his front paws on my chest. Purring. It is a very nice way to be woken up, I promise you. He thereafter did something he has never done before. He went up on my chest, walked in a little circle, and then cuddled in to a small ball on top of me. Purring. I petted him, and he purred even louder. We lay like that together for half an hour or so.

Then I had to get up, walk out into the cold rain, to talk to my psychiatrist. You have to be very determined to make such a decision. Leave a soft warm couch with cute cat, to go out into the rain to another useless meeting. Don't misunderstand this though. I like that I have my psychiatrist to talk to, and that he tries to help me. Everything is just so slow, and each individual meeting most often feels totally useless at the time. But in retrospect, some of the conversations seem to contribute to my overall recovery, and increase my understanding of "things". I was very happy though, when I was able to return home to an awating cute cat and a warm apartment. I love cute cat's company. What did I ever do before I had him?

Ready to vomit

"Ready to vomit" might not be the most appropriate post-title the day after one presents a recepie, it might get readers worried. But you can all relax, it is not about the Soup, it is about cute cat.

The problem of living with someone for whose health and happiness you are ultimately responsible, is that you (read: I) are on constant alert that something is/will go wrong with that individual. I can worry sick for my cute cat, even without an apparent reason. So when I yesterday morning saw a ball of something on my carpet, the spontaneous thought was that cute cat probably was dying. I am aware of that I worry too much, so I could quickly down-regulate the thought to 'he has vomited on my carpet, and that is normal for a cat'. I went to get some paper towels from the kitchen, cause I might love cute cat, but I am not picking up his hairballs with my bare hands. When I started cleaning the mess up I realised it couldn't be a hairball, cause the dark thing covered in a white sticky something, was all hard. I opened the towel and after a quick examination of the object I realised that instead of a hairball in my hand, it was the little plastic mouse that recently had been skinned by cute cat.

A wave of guilt flushed over me. How could I have let him play with this little plastic thing, that he now apparently had half-swallowed and luckily been able to throw up again. He could have suffocated! How could I not have been more careful?

But something still wasn't right. Cute cat was sitting next to me, indifferent to his near death experience. Looking at me quickly, before returning to clean his paw. His paw, I saw, was all covered in this white sticky thing too. Had he stepped in the vomit? He seemed indifferent too, to the fact that he was licking his own vomit. But since he is a cat, this really doesn't have to mean anything. I looked at the towel again, and at the multi-perforated little plastic thing that once was a proud little mouse. The sticky thing covering it did not look at all like vomit. It was homogenously white, no lumps of old food or anything (I have seen my share of animal vomit, so I am quite familiar with what comes out of a cat). I chose to court disaster, and decided to take a quick whiff of the white sticky thing, hoping to uncover what it might be. It did not smell at all like vomit, it smelled sweet. Braver now I smelled it again, harder now. Vanilla. What the hell was this. Then I saw splashed spots of white all over my coffee table, and around my breakfast bowl with muesli and vanilla yoghurt. And a dimple in the youghurt, uncovering some of the muesli. Someone had been into my muesli. Or rather, someone (read: cute cat) had let someone else (read: a formerly proud grey mouse) into the youghurt, then fished him up again, dropped him on my carpet all covered in vanilla youghurt, shaken the paw to get the worst of the youghurt off, and now sitting all innocently cleaning himself.

Why does he need to be so god damned cute, my little cat? I caressed him, and threw away the plastic mouse. And ate my breakfast anyway.

The Soup

Me and my sweet sister have a few competitions going between us. To mention one, when donating blood we always compete in who has the highest score of red blood cells. But the most important competition we have going, is the one concerning The Soup. This is the most brilliant dish you will ever eat, and I mean it. I know I myself shrugged when my sister told me about this weird Nicaraguan soup a couple of years back. Neither was I too impressed when I tried it the first time, the second time I liked it, and the third time I was hooked. Hooked for life, I tell you. I eat this Soup 3-4 times every week, and I just can't seem to get bored of it. I have convinced several of my friends about the greatness of The Soup, and my sister has forced it on several of her friends. And this outlines our most important competition; who can recruit most new Soup-eaters. I think she is in the lead, but the competition is close! I am gaining on her every month. My excuse to her current lead is that she started recruiting before me. And if I ever lead I fear she will claim that since she recruited me, she is entitled to all my recruiting-points. But that's just cheating!

You need to try this soup, at least three times, then you'll be hooked! It might taste a bit different initially (I know I thought so), but it'll be worth it. You will find a new world, heaven in a bowl. At the end of this post there will be special instructions for how to boil the beans in advance (easy), but for now, lets assume that you have already made your nice chili/garlic beans, and are ready to cook your Soup. There are three things you need to do: 1. Fry/boil the rice, 2. defrost/heat your beans, and 3. prepare the soup bowl. Soon you will learn to do all three things simultaneously, but as a beginner I recommend you start off like this:

For 1 person:
1.5 dL (~1/2 cup) plain white rice (e.g. jasmine rice)
1/2 red onion
1/2 lemon
40 g feta cheese (preferably made from goat milk)
1.5 dL frozen (or newly boiled) kidney/black beans
If your beans are frozen, start defrosting them in the microwave-oven (1 portion takes about 3 minutes to defrost). Prepare the bowl by chopping red onion and feta cheese finely. Put it in the bowl, and squeeze lemon juice over. Put a dash of olive oil in a frying pan, and add the rice. Put on maximum heat, and mix around so the rice is more or less covered in oil. Fry and stir until the rice gets brownish (as long as you dare, avoid burning it obviously), then quickly add about 5 dL (~2 cups) of cold tap water (careful, the steam is hot! obviously), and put the pan back on medium heat. Let the rice boil until ready (try by carefully tasting, it should be a bit crispy on the outside but not hard all the way through). Add more water if it is not ready, and increase the heat if the rice is ready but there still is water in the pan (so it quickly evaporates). While the rice is boiling away, put the defrosted beans in about 1/2 cup of water on medium heat until they start boiling. Put the fried/boiled rice in the prepared soup bowl, and pour over the beans and as much liquid as you like. Mix around with your spoon, and eat!

Bean batch preparation
500 g dry beans (kidney or black)
1 stock cube
3 L (2 pint) water
fresh spicy pepper fruits (red chili, piri piri, jalapeño, habanero, scotch bonnet etc.)
1/2 - 1 whole (not cloves) fresh garlic
Boil the stock cube, chopped garlic, and chopped fresh spicy pepper fruits in all of the water. Thereafter let simmer for about 15 minutes. Add the beans, and let simmer until done (about 1.5-2 hours, when they are soft, and the peel curls when you blow carefully on it). Let the beans cool, and freeze in 1-2 portion-bags (1 portion is about 1.5 dL or 1/2 cup). Use as much chili as you can take, and for every new batch making, be sure to increase the spicyness! If you're not used to spicy food, start with putting about 4 red chili fruits in your first batch. The beans can of course be used in other dishes, like lasagne, pasta sauces, salads, enchiladas, on toast etc.

It is a very healthy and cheap Soup (roughly about 1 euro/dollar, or 50 p, mainly dependent on the quality of your feta cheese) that makes your mouth water. Really, it makes your mouth water! I know mine always does when I have put the ingredients in the bowl, mix it around, just about to start eat. If you are not up to being so healthy, serve your Soup with some nice bread (will give you my foccacia recepie next week), and/or drink a nice beer with it. I promise you that you will never regret learning how to cook this Soup. Please make sure to let me know if you have problems, will be glad to help you. And also, make sure to let me know as soon as you are hooked to it, I need the recruitment-points! Someday I will kick my sweet sister's competitive ass, but in the meantime me and her (along with our recruits) will together convert the world to excellent Soup eating!

The Child

I have lived in my house for a little more than a year now. I have my own apartment in a nice cubic house in a very calm area. The house has two other apartments (the one habitated by the family that owns the house, and the other by the owner's grandmother). So it is pretty much me, and "the family". I feel very welcome though, and almost a part of their family now. This especially due to the small miracle of Hampus. He is the child of the family, and the cutest child you've met (unless you have children of your own, cause then you probably refer to your own child as the cutest). I think Hampus will be "my" cutest child until I actually get some of my own. Until I met him, I actually didn't know I had the possibility to regard children as cute at all. Lately I am frequently also dreaming about being pregnant/having babies, and more often now than before I am not filled with complete panic and anxiety by the dream. Stupid subconcious! I don't want to mention 'biological clock' in this context, but...

He is coming down to my flat hanging out at least once a week. Knocks, and when I open, he timidly asks if he can come in for a while. He is so smart, and perceptive. I had no idea kids knew stuff that was going on, I just thought they were oblivious to everything and just played the whole time. I know now that he realises that his parents are treating him a bit weird sometimes, that his father buys his love with gifts instead of what he really needs, attention. I confides a lot in me, and I can't help feeling flattered. When he has had a disagreement with someone in his family he sometimes asks if he can live with me. We play a lot, go for walks, go to the cinema, bakes cakes, I teach him about how there is nothing innately wrong with swearing and how parents not always are right, but you still have to follow their rules sometimes. He tells me how boring classes in school is, because you have to sit still for a long while. I tell him that school is very important, and you will learn stuff that might not seem necessary at the moment, but that you will be happy about knowing later. He is very honest, tells me that it is time to hoover, and how he knows other people that are funnier than me. He tells me nice things too, about how he loves the smell of my apartment, and once he actually said 'I love you'. In english. And this from a now 6-year-old swedish boy. Everytime we are finished hanging out, he hugs me. He is so sensitive, and I dread that other boys might soon start to tease him for this. But I am sure he'll be fine, he is strong!

This afternoon he came over. I was just about to start boiling some black beans, so he helped me out. He made disliking faces when I took all the chili out (12 red chilies, and 6 habaneros), and he also explained to me how he didn't like stock cubes, or beans. I told him that when he gets older he'll be wiser and change his mind in the matter. He pointed at a red lentil and asked what the little thing was, I explained how it was a lentil, and how good it was. He said he didn't like them, and I told him that I was certain that he never had tried them, and how he was wrong anyway, because they are absolutely delicious. He also loves cute cat (who wouldn't). He plays with him a lot. And pets him, and hugs him too. We ate clementines and chatted, and coughed in stereo when the chili finally filled the air. He thought it was funny that it made you cough. Soon I will start forcing him to eat beans, he too needs to get hooked on the best soup in the world, or as I commonly refer to it 'The Soup'. Tomorrow I will tell you all about it, so don't forget to drop by to get the recepie and be convinced that you have to cook it!

Impolite by default?

Annoying woman. It disturbes me so when people are impolite. Even more so when it is someone that ought to be slightly service minded, like store staff etc. And even more so when it is the owner of the store I go into, and he/she doesn't even have the decency so be polite. Or even neutral. But chooses to be impolite, despite the obvious fact that I am contributing to her income, and to a presumably general good feeling about being able to run a company on her own. The 'annoying woman' I refer to initially is the owner of the handcraft store 'Sländan' in Lund, where I sometimes go to buy knitting yarn. This woman is never bothered with any nicety, not seeming the least interested in helping you finding what you need. When you finally are able to get her attention, she seems to be in a hurry to something else, not really committed, rather just shortly telling you what to get. Without trying to listen to, or understand your questions. I say, you get the general feeling that you are bothering her by just entering the store. Everytime I've been there, I think to myself "I don't want to shop here again". And it bothers me to realise that my options are few other. Stores selling finer yarns are thin on the ground here. I do buy some yarn online, but there are disadvantages to online yarn shopping. Then you have to know more in detail what you want, since it is hard to perceive hues in those online pictures. Moreover, it is not possible to appreciate the texture of the fabric from looking at a photo of a small portion of it. So I always seem to wind up going back to that woman's store again, despite any inner conversations upon previously leaving the store.

You sometimes hear people say 'I couldn't be bothered by being nice, so I might have come of impolite". Does this mean that the human default state is 'annoyingly impolite', and if you want to be polite (or even neutral), you have to make an effort? I hope not. I hope people just mean then that they were so hungry, stressed or tired that they couldn't be bothered being nice (and the tiredness/stress/hungriness was what gave rise to the subsequent impoliteness). Or is being polite a very complicated talent you have to learn throughout life, by developing a general understanding complex human feelings. But she ought to have caught on by now, don't you think? I am not an expert in determining ages of others, but she is at least 45. Why start a store if you don't intend to be polite/service minded? Why not sleep if your tired? Why not relax/sell your store if it stresses you out? Why not go for lunch if your hungry?

And why contribute to the maintenance of stores with such impolite clerks by shopping there?

Now, the trick is to knit. Despite a very active presence of cute cat. He loves the way the knits move, and attempt catching them. When succeding he pulls all the stitches off the knitting needle, over and over. He also love the way the thread slides across my legs, and how the ball of yarn rolls around. Resulting in cute cat biting the thread, or by lying down holding the ball of yarn with his front paws, chewing on it, and kicking hard with the rear paws (claws out). But how do you dicipline something that cute? It will be interesting to see if the this yarn project ever turns into something else than cat entertainment.

Excellent autumn!

Is it not lovely, it is finally here: autumn. You rarely hear anything positive about it though, do you? Which is a shame. People get into negative circles of: cold, windy, damp, dark, depressive. Maybe you should try a new circle, with the potential of making you happier, eventhough it is autumn. I think autumn is very pretty, eventhough I agree about all the negative things about winter, all but one. It does not have to be depressive, and all the negative things does not have to be so negative. Why not try to enjoy all the great things there is about autumn, and focus on enjoying them. For instance:

* staying in a warm bed when you hear the wind and rain outside (this is not possible everyday of course, some of you have to work, but why not set the alarm ten minutes earlier so you can really enjoy being in bed, or enjoying it when you go to bed at night or during the weekends)
* going for a long walk, wearing all your woolly items of clothing
* kicking leaves
* feeding the ducks (please avoid the bird-flu infected though, otherwise you might not last to enjoy the entire autumn)
* buying new kinds of tea
* renting/buying films
* cuddling in the sofa with too many blankets, duvets and pillows
* hot chocolate - try it with some orange chocolate, or by squeezing fresh orange into it
* Thermos jugs
* the different scents of air: one day humid with a touch of wet decomposing leaves/wet ground, one day fresh and clear, one day with nostalgic sugar refinery smell (for you who grew up next to another sugar refinery only) , and the next day very cold and crisp air.
* mittens/hats/gloves/scarves - you can finally get them all out, and put them all on!
* enjoying the darkness outside from inside your apartment/house
* using window lamps to light you apartment
* lighting candles (beware of cute cats might pass close by, sniff into the candle bulb, and accidently say lose two whiskers, the one falling off, the other curling up. Just as a random example. I have a friend, and her cute cat...)
* playing board games all evening
* taking a long warm bath
* fine dark chocolate
* making your own truffles (for recipe see 'Equilibrium')

And so on, and so forth. You can of course mix the above things; say put on all your warm wolly clothing, take a nice walk, kicking leaves and feeding the non-infected ducks, calmly sipping your hot chocolate from the Thermos jug. Or maybe, rent a couple of films, cuddling in the sofa with all your duvets and blankets, lighting candles, and having some of your new tea. Just try it.

Autumn is here, you can't change that. But you can actually change your attitude. And it is not so hard as you might think to replace your negative circles. And as soon as you accidently slip into "autumn sucks!", immediately think "NO it doesn't, autumn is so lovely and cozy, I know this" (if you don't know it yet, replace "I know this" with, "someone I trust told me so"). And then go into a circle of: 'indoors, warmth, cozyness, candles, kicking leaves, mittens, tea, dark chocolate, mmm, autumn is great!'

Ps. Please feel free to comment on more things to add to the 'Excellent autumn'-list. I am sure you can think of something else that helps you make your autumn nicer! (thanks to my great technical knowledge, now anyone can comment, also you, just go ahead!)

Dress making

There! I just finished my test-dress for sewing class. The pattern from the dress was made from twenty-something measurements of my body, and is supposed to fit me perfect. But since something most often goes wrong, you are adviced to sew your dress in a cheap fabric first, see what (if anything) is wrong with the dress, change the pattern accordingly, and sew it again in the proper fabric.

For cheap fabric, I got some (free) duvet covers from Mom. Probably from the time she and Dad moved in together. It looks like something that could have been in style at the time of ABBA's big breakthrough. It is a white cotton thing, with large blue flowers (as above). The fabric is not what I plan to use for the ultimate version of my dress, so you don't have to prepare any lines/reactions for it. It won't happen, not within the forseeable future at least.

For the general test-dress result, well, what can I say? My pattern definitely needs some changes. It was my first attempt. I am there to learn, if I had been perfect from the beginning I wouldn't have to take the course in the first place. Well, those are all the excuses I can think of at the moment.

By the way, I just discovered how to change settings, now everyone can drop a comment at anytime, so please feel free. Just say hi or something if you're up to it!

Mobilization

For the last couple of days I have tried to mobilize strength. I have had a lack of mood and lust. Not wanting to do anything, not being able to be bothered by anything. I have forced myself to do things anyway, otherwise I am afraid I am preventing my convalescence. Forcing yourself into getting up in the morning, putting on your clothes, making breakfast, brushing teeth, biking to work, entering the workplace, participating in the work, focus on the assignment, eating something for lunch, going home, work out, making supper, eating supper, meeting friends, being social etc., is very exhausting. Sometimes if I think about the whole day ahead of me already during the morning, I feel overwhelmed and scared that I won't be able to make it. Either I then try to shake the feeling off, deny having it, or enter some sleepy paralyzed state; just staying home, in bed, not doing anything at all.

Yesterday I forced myself to a class of step. I felt it was about time that I exercised, and that things might feel easier and better afterwards (they sometimes do). I had already forced myself to several things that day, and was quite exhausted to start with. But none the less, I was persistent. Forcing myself to go to the gym, forcing myself to change into my workout clothes, forcing myself to enter the step room, forcing myself to grab the step board. How something as easy as that can feel so difficult is hard for me to explain. The class started, the moves were easy, the music had a clear beat, and I followed.

My cool cognitive psychologist woman is teaching me to separate feelings/thoughts into individual persons within; the child, the adult, and the parent. It is not as 'new age' or 'multiple personality' as it might sound, it is just an exercise. During the step class the dialogue within me was between the child, adult and the parent as follows:

Adult: "I know how to do this"
Parent: "come on, make an effort"
Adult: "I am good"
Child: "I am tired, I want to lie down"
Parent: "it is not a matter of being good, this is easy, and you should be able to do this without making such a hassle about it, it is not a big deal, just do it!"
Child: "I am just not so sure I can do it, I fear all will go wrong"
Parent: "stop being such a sissy, just get on with it, move your feet"
Child: "who am I fooling, I suck, I can't even do this, I think even this is hard, I can't do anything, I feel sorry for myself being this ill"
Parent: "you shouldn't feel sorry for yourself - it is frowned upon, you don't want to be this embittered person, nobody wants an embittered person around, come on, try harder, just move your feet"
Child: "I can't do it, I want to sleep, I feel I can just lay down on the floor right here and cry, I am so exhasted and tired"
Parent: "NO, come on, focus, this is easy!"
Child: "but this is so hard, and I feel so weak"
Parent: "you are weak if you can't do this, come on!, try harder"

Then I put my step board back and left. I sat down outside and slowly ate my clementine. I thought about how to improve the situation, or at least do anything at all about it. When having finished the fruit I went into the workout/strength building room and ran on the treadmill, walked the stair-machine, biked, and lifted some weights. It still felt like a failure when I left, but then I forced myself to think about it, I realised it wasn't a failure. I had worked out for more than an hour, and that is good enough.

I think the point of the child-adult-parent exercise is to separate all the thoughts you have in your head, to be able to sort them, and give room to all different feelings and thoughts. As it is now I don't allow my weaker child-thoughts/feelings any space at all, the parent-thoughts/feelings keep on overriding them the instant they form. Maybe this is something I can work on, letting myself be weak, and to be ok with it. Maybe then I will feel better. Who knows. My other therapist, the psychiatrist, he gave me a perscription for a new medicine. They both have different ways to approach a problem. The hope is that this should increase my chances of recovering completely. I hope there is any truth to this.

The art of enjoying a weekend

There must be some art to not work more than 5 hours during one week, without feeling totally guilty about it. An art that I yet don't know about. I am aware of why I haven't worked more, and why it has not been reasonable for me to go in to work. But still, now in retrospect I doubt myself so much. I think, but was I really that ill, was I really that tired, couldn't I just have tried a little harder, and focused a little bit more? I know the answers to those questions are: yes, yes, no, and no. But still I feel so guilty. I want to do so good at work, feel useful, and good about myself.

I have had so many feelings this week. I have been very stressed and anxious, tired, in my own little bubble, unable to focus or concentrate for adequately long periods etc. The bubble thing is so hard to cope with. It feels like that you are enclosed in something transparent, it is hard to perceive what other people say or do, since you are very focused on yourself. People seem to talk a bit too rapidly, use too complicated words, and not give you long enough pause to answer their first question before they ask you the next. You just can't keep up with conversations. You can feel a creeping sensation in your body that something bad is about to happen, that you just have to get out of wherever you are, and just be alone and have no-one talk to you. It is sometimes like walking in glue, or being held back by something really hard to push through. You try and try, get angry and frustrated, and try a bit harder. Until you are so tired you can't cope anymore and there is nothing else to do than sleep. It has been quite some time since I had this sensation last time, and when it happened this week it scared me, now fearing that I am turning worse again. Obviously, this is not likely to be the case. More likely is that this week, and parts of last week have been a bad patch, and surely I will feel better soon, and be back-on-track.

If I could just shake that annoying sensation of guilt, how is that going to do me any good? What would my therapists advice me? Well, to break down events in small pieces and see that none of my feelings are motivated, and then to focus ahead on what I can do better next week. And not to be so hard on myself. A bath and cuddling with cute cat will be my first step. How lucky I am to have such a cute cat, and such warm tap water! I think this will be a great weekend after all. I hope you will have one too!

YeaH!

Look how happy we get when we realise our share of information about a consumers' guide would rule in favour of us are mistaken by the veterinarian as a threat, who quickly decides to give me all my money back! Also, another veterinarian I spoke to yesterday feels it is totally useless for cute cat to take the test in question, so he won't do it again! Wohoo, another 200 euro to save for something nicer than blood.

Stress overload

I am fully aware of my extremely low stress threshold, and so is everyone else in my vicinity. I will now let you know how moderate stress changes a 'getting-out-of-the-depression-swamp'-person like me.

These are the events:
* I was social the whole day. First with a good friend finally home from Germany, and later as a couples-event with coffee and table games. Both activities were lots of fun, with people I really like, but none the less, elevates the stress level somewhat for some stupid reason.

* The veterinarian called me and explained how cute cat's blood test had failed, at least partially. She wanted me to retake the test at another clinic, and was willing to reimburse me, but not fully (200 euro already spent on this specific test). When she wants me to retake it without reimbursing me fully, she forces me to pay much more than 200 euros to get the blood test results. I have to AGAIN pay the fixed costs for: meeting the new veterinarian (55 euro), material costs (surely another 50 euro), and cost for the extra analysis (at least another 100 euro). If she reimburses me with say half the price for the first test (100 euro), I will still have to pay another 200 euro, in total then 300 euro for getting those results I from start with payed her 200 euro to get. Do I need to say I am in contact with insurance companies, and consumer guidance. If she couldn't deliver all the results I payed for, I don't think it is reasonable for me to pay for the few that she actually managed to produce. Do you?

* I am serious contemplating not to retake the test, but have no-one qualified to discuss it with (no-one that does not make his/her living on me putting cute cat through expensive treatments). It is so highly unlikely that he actually has a problem with his blood clotting (as she is semi-suspicious about), and even if she gives him a diagnosis with poor clotting capability or something like that. What is there to do about it? Nothing! So what's the point in putting a diagnosis, just for the sake of putting a diagnosis. I guess it could be good to know about poor clotting properties if he is ever to go under the knife. But for me it is enough, in such case, to let the knife-holders know that he has shown indications of poor blood clotting and should be treated thereafter.

* I see my money slipping away from me, with empty promises about test results and treatments. This stresses me out. I (thankfully in co-operation with the insurance company) have already spent 1200 euro on treating a cat that has shown no other signs of illness than a dry nose (which was quickly removed with antibiotics and cortisone). Who wouldn't feel sceptical about continuing a search of... YES in search of what?

* I will be unable to keep my hopes up about going on a potentially nice trip to Australia in February. Since all my money are in some weird place between insurance companies, and veterinarians at the moment, I can't save up to buy the ticket now (when it is necessary). And some feel it would be a disservice to lend me the money. Eventhough I explained how I will be able to repay the loan before going on the trip, and having a cancellation protection so I won't lose more than 100 euro if I for any reason can't/don't want to go when it is time. Apparently I need more education in earning up the money before spending them, which is good, but seeing that I have actually thought this through and made plans for repayment, this should be considered nothing else than borrowing money from the bank for say buying a car. Why not try to help other people when possible, why is it so important to make it on you own. No-one would be able to do anything if you were totally alone anyway. It's just money. New will come, and will be spent again.

Collectively these things (in particular the veterinarian thing) lead to:
* I feel anxious, worried, sad, and totally stressed out
* I slept 1.5 hours tonight
* I haven't been able to eat
* I feel that everyday-events are very hard, too hard, too many weird things happen, and I am not strong enough to tackle them. At least not until after a period of breaking down and crying.

I have now gotten another hour of sleep, and are trying to structure the problems, and ideas how to start dealing with them. I fear this will finish my energy supply, that was supposed to last me through this whole day. A very small thing can disturb me to this magnitude. Please, every day you don't suffer from a depression, be thankful for it.

Step-one step-two

Step. An almost magical form of exercise. But it hasn't always been, at least not for me. Before I was full of prejudices about the people attending step classes. Just to make it clear, I am now talking about the exercise form commonly known as step, or step-up. Where you use your body and a step board to get really sweaty.

These were my prejudices. Your average step-person is:
* Early to mid-twenties
* Woman
* Wearing tight spandex trousers in bright neon colours
* Sporting expensive brand clothes
* Showing skin, expecially at waist-level
* Putting on make-up before exercising, perhaps also perfume
* Long blonde hair in a pony tail, bounce-bouncing around

I tried step for fun in high school, during one of those semi-entertaining sports days. I was very much prepared not to like it, even to be bored. And especially prepared not to fit in, since well, out of those prejudices above only two fit in on me. You are free to guess which, hopefully it is obvious.

However, it turned out I was wrong. Or partially wrong at least. There are a lot of women in their mid-twenties in these classes, but there are actually also women older than that. I'd say 50% mid-twenties women, and 50 % above. You only very rarely see a guy there. Some wear more expensive clothes, with quite apparent expensive brands, but it is by no means the rule. Most of the other women look like me, non-make-up-ed, wearing whatever was on top of the clothes pile when we had to leave, covering our bodies in a moral way. I absolutely feel I fit in, and sometimes I even feel like that disturbing person, always in the very front of the room, putting my stepboard on the very highest/most difficult level (which no-one else does). I am totally hooked nowadays. Music with a very strong rhythm, and an aesthetic feeling that everyone should be synchronized, forces you to move, no matter how tired you are. Today I really needed to get exhausted, I took two step classes, and worked out hard between 6.15 and 8.25 pm!

So disturbing when you find that your prejudices go unanswered like this.

Equilibrium

Ever this dramatic and pretentious talk about finding yourself, and finding balance in your life. Now listen carefully, I will tell you how to do it properly.

First, as I did this morning, you go work out real good. You need to sweat heavily, and wind up exhausted and panting. After that you go home, calm down, wash the mess of your body.

Then you spend some time making something absolutely brilliantly delicious, as I did. You make dark chocolate truffles. Roast hazel nuts, chop them up semi-finely. Melt good dark chocolate, mix with a little bit of whole cream, and the roasted nuts. Let cool for 30 minutes in the fridge. Shape into your regular truffle size, and put them in a bag of nice cocoa powder. Then just spend your afternoon guzzling. That's balance for you alright!

(You are very welcome to quote me anytime)

A day off

I have been put on 50 % sick leave until the end of the year. On the one hand, I get the commonly reoccuring feeling of total frustration, and a confirmation that I am really quite ill. But on the other hand, and foremost, I realise and for once actually accept that working more is impossible for me at the moment. It is also most likely very hard for me to attain within the very few three months left of this year. So every week I work 20 hours, and the other 20 hours left of the working week I do something that I believe is good for my recovery. I sleep, relax, paint, play with cute cat, do crossword puzzles, play around with my camera, meet my therapy people (the psychologist and/or psychiatrist), potter about with my plants, and work out.

Today is one of those necessary "days off", that I am not working, but I shouldn't feel stressed out about doing something special either (which I normally do on vacations/weekends). I should do something that makes me feel good in a short-term perspective, or something that makes me feel good in a long-term perspective. This particular day off has started as an exemplary feel-good day. First I went to see my excellent cognitive psychologist. We talked about how to deal with the stress I so easily feel at the moment. Very helpful, and obviously something that will help me in a long-term perspective. From that I have moved on to a couple of things that make me feel good about myself in a short-term perspective, I have: put the laundry in the machine (will hang it to dry soon), have made a new toy for cute cat, have ordered a subscription of the greatest swedish crossword puzzle magazine (Bra Korsord), have hoovered, and am as I write preparing to clean my bathroom.

The bathroom cleaning, I have to admit, is not one of my favourite pastimes. But somethings you just have to do, and I am still sure I will feel good about it afterwards. And at the moment I know without a doubt that it is time to clean my bathroom. How I can be so sure, you ask? Well, earlier I went to the toilet. My bathroom is quite small, even for one person, and when I sit down to do my lavatory buisness, the washbasin is more or less on my lap. This morning it was not so boring as it usually is, I mean, how much fun is it to wake up at 6 AM and realise you need to leave the warm and comfy bed and walk all the way over to the bathroom? But this morning it was different. I actually found myself spontaneously laughing out loud. Emerging from the plug-hole is a small sprout. I instantly realised three things.

1. It must be a seed from my muesli that has found its way to the plug-hole through one of my dental care processess.
2. It must have found something real nice to grow in, must likely a collection of my fallen off hairs. Obviously it has frequent access to fresh water.
3. It is definitely, without any doubt, about freaking time I clean my bathroom thoroughly.

Back to normal

What you see here is a very much more relaxed cat. And what you read here is written by someone much more relaxed too. Turning adolescent cat from a he to an it seems nothing less than a complete success. The transformation of crazy cat to cute cat will hopefully be more or less permanent. I removed his transparent head cone this morning. A cone supposedly preventing him from applying saliva to his wound, but somehow my smart little one has taught himself to do it anyway. He is my yoga cat. Maybe I can start earning some money off him finally, putting on shows with a 'yoga cat' is very much likely to draw a crowd, or what do you think? At least a small one? At least if I move to a country where they appreciate low budget weirdness? Any suggestions? I feel it is time for him to start making me some money finally, I just need to think of the brilliant plan.

By the way, my former nature healer (now I again refer to him as my educated psychiatrist) replied to my Omega3/iron-email. A very funny reply, ending with him saying "forget the fish, I'll go buy the linen seeds instead!" Comments needless.

Sweet redress

I had real trouble falling asleep last night. I was still so annoyed about the earlier Omega3 preaching by my psychiatrist. I started Google-searching for Omega3 and iron content in various products. I will now let you in on my results. Source is fineli.fi (the finnish National Food Administration) unless noted otherwise.

Omega 3.
Fish is commonly referred to as THE food product that contains these polyunsaturated fatty acids, supposedly good for you. The swedish National Food administration recommends you a daily Omega3 intake of 2-3 g. If you boil any regular fish, it will contain 0.9 g of polyunsaturated fatty acids / 100 g of product. If you compare this with linen (flax) seeds, they contain 14.2 g of polyunsaturated fatty acids. On this fineli-webpage they don't mention how much of these polyunsaturated fatty acids are Omega3, but if you search for linen seeds their Omega3 content is praised. So, hypothesise for convenience that all the polyunsaturated in fish and linen seeds are Omega3 fatty acids. In my breakfast muesli I have approximately 50 g of linen seeds, meaning I average an intake of 350 g of linen seeds each week. This means I eat about 50 g of polyunsaturated fatty acids/Omega3 each week. In order for you to get the same level of polyunsaturated fatty acids/Omega3 through eating fish, (as mentioned before, 1 g of polyunsaturated fatty acids per 100 g boiled fish), you would have to eat 5 kg boiled fish each week. I would say, 1-0 to linen seeds vs. fish.

Iron.
The beans I boil for The Soup contain about 8 mg of iron per 100 g dry bean. I would say each portion of The Soup correspondingly contains 50 g of dry beans. For a meat-eater to consume the same amount of iron in each serving, he needs to eat 350 g of pork (1.1 mg iron / 100 g), 80 g of horse (4.9 mg / 100 g), 140 g kebab (2.8 mg / 100 g), 160 g beef meat balls (2.5 mg / 100 g), 80 g caribou (6.7 mg / 100g), 115 g elk (3.5 mg / 100 g). So it is reasonable for the meat-eater to eat at least as much iron as the Soup/bean-eater. Although maybe difficult for the exclusive pork eater. But my point is obviously that the bean-eater does in no way have a hard time consuming the same amount of iron as the meat-eater, which otherwise so popularly is said impossible, or at least very hard, for the poor vegetarian. What also should be noted is that the uptake of iron is immensly increased by a simultaneous intake of vitamin C. Your common soup-eater gets about 25 mg of vitamin C in each serving through half a divine lemon. Any idea about how the meat-eater boosts a simultaneous C-vitamin intake?. By the way, if you put 50 g of the excellent linen/flax seed in your muesli every morning, you get another 4.1 mg iron each day!

Stop worrying about the vegetarian; we get proteins, we get omega3, we get iron. And stop using the same "arguments" as a reasons to continue eating meat. And please, do yourselves a favour today, consider them linen seeds! They provide you with not only an abundance of Omega3 fatty acids and iron, but also with so much fibers and proteins. Just a brilliant component of a good muesli, and a healthy day!

In pursuit of perfection

Frustration. I would have to say that has been the word of the day, and also of too many 'todays' during the past year. I am really frustrated of being frustrated too, which makes it even more confusing, and frustrating.

There are two things that currently make me frustrated. Firstly, the one that has kept me frustrated throughout the last year; my stupid depression that tires me out so easily, far too easily. Today I met my psychiatrist. It was one of several meetings that felt totally useless to sit through. He held a lecture about how I am a "vegetarian", and how important polyunsaturated fatty acids are, especially omega 3 and omega 6. And also how my blood values would be good to check up again, since I might not get enough iron in my food, since I have this vegetarianism debilitating me. I just don't know how this information would help me. I have been on a meat-low diet a couple of years now, that this suddenly now would give me a depression seems rather far-fetched. Neither are there any conclusive proof that omega acids really make a difference for anyone. I could of course stop being so bloody stubborn and just do what my psychiatrist (today read: nature healer) tells me, but unfortunantely I am equipped with a heaped barrel of criticism of sources (which he does not seem to be), and foremost a general scepticism directed towards popular nature-cure medicine. And it is strong. But if he wants to check my blood for vegetarianism-caused injuries, I'm not going to stop him. Best not. Not much point to it. But until proven otherwise, I will continue to strongly doubt that all keeping me from being depression-free are a lack of omega fatty acids and/or iron.

The second source of frustration are events at my workplace. I am trying to reply to a couple of reviewers that recently read my paper submitted to European Journal of Neuroscience. The nature of the comments forces me to take another 6 pictures of my material. I am staining, and microscoping, over and over. All in pursuit of that perfect picture, taken of a perfect staining (strongly stained cells, low background staining), perfectly representing and corresponding to the data presented in the text. When a decently good photo is compiled in the photo software, the file is saved and opened in Photoshop. Thereafter I manipulate it so the cells look stronger, and the background lower, all the time printing off the attempts to see how it might actually look on paper when it is finished. Because, of course, what you see on the screen is nowhere near what it looks like when printed. If the picture is still good enough, it is thereafter outlayed in the Canvas software, fitted with scalebars, arrows and text. And hopefully, after all this has been done, and redone a couple of times, the figure is good enough to send to the reviewers, hopefully accepting my paper and publishing it. Just believe me, it takes some time to accomplish. It is hard for your regular scientist to take a perfect picture of a biological material. But it is also hard for that same scientist not to try. And for some inexperienced scientists, as myself, it is hard not to feel frustration in that process.